Divorce in the City

Happiness Can Be So Simple

2005-02-24T09:53:00.000-08:00

voicemail on my mobile opens with "Hi gorgeous." Ok, that will keep me smiling for at least 24 hours. Divorce is truly fun. No it's not like being single. There is no "giving in" or being blind for sake of getting married.

Escort Services

2005-02-23T12:54:00.000-08:00

I wanted to check just in case I needed a date to something (I will have to sign up for some random benefit so I can wear Carrie's dress) if straight male escorts really were available. Yes they are and they are quite responsive on email. I know nothing more, I didn't ask and I only responded to one. I told him I'd contact him in the future and he retorted that I was a fake and that I wasn't ever going to contact him.

Courage to Receive

2005-02-23T12:49:00.000-08:00

My current mantra. Taking this semi-spiritual intense workout class. We do a series of lunches front, side and back with prayer-palms together and arms up and in and out....for more than five minutes. The entire room is chanting, sweat is flying, and the instructor humms affirmations of peace, harmony, courage and love. The class is so consuming that afterward I run into people who were in the room and none of noticed the either.

How best to learn how to receive?

My Older One Wants to Take Me Out for a Date

2005-02-23T12:45:00.000-08:00

Wierd. Wants to take me to dinner, "pay for it," and "mommy would you like to get ice cream or go to a movie afterward." Of course I'm reading all sorts of things into this. Perhaps my ex talks about his dates with the kids. Call the divorce counselor. "Oh that's just the usual Oedipal stuff. It can happen at any age..."

So I kind of like a guy with white facial hair

2005-02-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

This is becoming is becoming a huge psychological exploration for me. Ok, he doesn't have a lot of white facial hair and it's very trimmed. But why white facial hair at all? What's it hiding because it can't possibly add? He is so not my type on the surface, although match.com says we're a complete match. And I feel a bit tickly. Downright giggly. He has an offer on the table for next weekend as well. Skiing in the west.

Oh Neligent Me

2005-02-23T12:33:00.000-08:00

Ok, Valemtines Day, no Valentines Week put me in a funk. It took a long weekend of dating to recover. I have so much to post! Pictures of the dress. The multiple travel offers from several paramours (ok, using that word liberally). Now in LAX waiting to change planes.

"Men Have the Needs of High School Boys"

2005-02-16T16:37:00.000-08:00

I have a dream last night. At a table in a school cafeteria -- a picnic bench like thing -- and there is one person across from me. Attractive, younger man who leans in and says, "Coco, the only thing you need to know is that men have the needs of a high school boy. That's it."

"Ah ha I say, so that's what happened to my marriage. I gave more than that. I get it for the next time. Really, really simple.

Carrie's Dress

2005-02-14T20:30:00.000-08:00

This weekend was the school benefit. The last item in the live auction was a dress from Sex in the City signed by Sarah Jessica Parker. Beautiful. Light green chiffon strapless tight boddess with a big poofy skirt and a blue netted underskirt peeking out. Absolutely fairy tale. Carrie meets Mr. Big in Paris. I bid on that dress as if I was bidding on my life. It fits perfectly.

Where We Are Here, Yes We Are Here, Mark

2005-02-11T19:20:00.000-08:00

In the moment, happy, present.
With reading glasses.
With some tiny wrinkles.
With lots of history. With strength. With so, so, many stories.

I dream of being someone's arm candy. For someone to be so accepting of me in my entirety....It's rare that a man has such a sense of self for this to happen. It's much easier to accept the young beauty...

Not Setting Me Up

2005-02-11T19:11:00.000-08:00

Ah Ha I Get It....

You read this and think "how could I possibly set her up and have it become public record..."

I do have a witness-good-guy protection program....there are people and things I don't discuss here (but maybe elsewhere...)

Equinox women

2005-02-10T19:25:00.000-08:00

Most of the women in the classes at Equinox are not married. Big generalization but I do check all the ring fingers.

I so dislike being a part of the "majority." This is where and when I move the faux ruby ring to the other (left) hand.

More Pictures?

2005-02-09T19:18:00.000-08:00

The guys outside of NYC want "more pictures." More pictures doing what?

First of all, I hardly respond to their inquiries. No matter what you do, I am just not sure that I have a connection with someone in Upper Arlington, Ohio. All these guys talk "chemistry" but a video clip doesn't give off phernomes.

Online grocery shopping never, ever worked (ok we think Fresh Direct will live, but I doubt it) because people need to touch and feel and sense.

Why Ask a.)b.)c.)d.) if You Intend on Lying?

2005-02-09T18:56:00.000-08:00

Mr. a.)b.)c.) or d.) Blind Date Ratings Card...I think I said b.) or c.) but not d.) although I wanted to and certainly should have. But hey, I'm new. I'm divorced three minutes. He on the other hand has five years of experience. And he chose something very non-commital like b.) or c.)

But he emails me and calls me and emails me and calls me. And why am I making excuses and apologizing for not returning an email within 24 hours? To someone I am not even interested in.

Pull it together girl.

Murray Hill: A "Moving on Up" Version of Bay Shore?

2005-02-09T18:48:00.000-08:00

I'm about ready to put Murray Hill in the Bay Shore, LI and Broadlawn, NJ bin. Lots and lots of single guys living there ("there" is really "where" by the way?) right next door to Fred and Ethel. What I am not sure they see, is that they are about to become Fred without Ethel.

Not One of Those

2005-02-08T19:33:00.000-08:00

I have a benefit tonight. Decide to go to the very "NYC restaurant" downstairs to people-watch for a few minutes. There is a woman, ten+ years my senior, sitting at the bar, with her reading glasses and the menu. Poorly bleached blond hair. Red fingernail polish although her nails are short. She is sophisticated, clearly lives in the city, and is not at all unattractive, but I feel very, very sorry for her.

So sorry that I take the faux ruby ring that I have on my right hand ring finger and move it to my left ring finger.

Marriage holds power. I juggle. Ring back and forth.

Them "Dogs"

2005-02-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

Married men who cheat on a regular basis with relative acceptance and who never imagine leaving their wives, call each other "dogs." No, excuse me. Let's do that again with feeling: "daauuugs. dang dogs for god's sake."

A friend calls me today to introduce me to someone for business and he says, "he's another daauug like me, if you know what I mean."

"Sure, sure" I say. Ha, ha like what? I'm thinking, I'm thinking and then I sort of imagine what he's saying.

And then I laugh and I can't stop. I'm pulling the phone away because I am laughing so hard. Gosh darn, those darn dauuugs.

Cats? "Cats R Us?"

FINGER LIVES!

2005-02-07T18:37:00.000-08:00

My mother-in-law, soon to be ex-mil (nice name, I think) says, "Finger is not dead. Put him in the Rubbermaid tub, leave him alone, shell-side up and check on him in 30 minutes."

I think, sure I'll try but this guy is dead. I refill the dry sponge. I drag a spoon around in the cage looking for bones.

And then there he is! Coming out of his shell in the Rubbermaid tub!

YEAH!

Emails: "Still Smoking?"

2005-02-07T15:51:00.000-08:00

Not sure why, but recently I've been getting "stop smoking" spam email. "No" I say loudly to the monitor, "I quit seven years ago because he wouldn't marry me if I didn't." I will never smoke again but lately I have the strongest visualizations.

I sit down to write the other evening and I take a drag, blow out the smoke, see a few ashes fall on the desk, smell the thickness, see the ashtray ever so small but overflowing, then reach automatically and without looking into the box and pull out another, sniff the fresh cigarette and fresh smell of the tobacco, strike the match, and watch the light that ignites with your breath when you take that first drag.

Blind Date Ratings Card

2005-02-07T13:24:00.000-08:00

I have this date. Exactly sixty minutes into the coffee and chat, he says, "So what do you think? Should we a.) see each other again, b.) see each other occassionally, c.) see each other rarely, or d.) forget it." I swear. Actually it does make it easier because then I don't have to say "forget it" I can simply say, "D."

Mean Way to Say No?

2005-02-07T13:19:00.000-08:00

I feel like my email to P. was sort of mean. Cookie says that if you don't respond, then you're mean. She says to "act." So it's sort of lying but not really. Always acknowledge that he's a great guy and it was so good to meet him but tell him that you're just not over your divorce yet.

Mr. Married: Stalker No More...One Hopes

2005-02-07T13:08:00.000-08:00

My Response:

"fine on connect and learn. and i suppose then that your wife and daughter -- whose pictures with you are readily available online -- know and are cool with your exploration?

i left you and this whole thing alone. i tried to let it die. and you continued to push things my way and frankly, you stalked me more than a bit.

so it is not me, but you who chooses to play this game. i would have preferred to let it die over a month ago. but you couldn't. let's forget all of this ever happened."

Mr. Married Attempts to Justify

2005-02-07T13:06:00.000-08:00

"I see your point and am sorry that you feel that way. but I guess I was just trying to connect and learn, which I have. Not sure I am really interested in following through on anything outside of existing relationship, but just trying to explore life. Very Innocent really,"

One Final Chance for eHarmony

2005-02-07T07:51:00.000-08:00

eHarmony quite predictably sends me five matches on Monday morning. I don't bother opening the ones from Long Beach, NY or Brooklawn, NJ. Ah, here's a NYC one. His name is Hal. I really like that name. I grew up next to a cute Hal.

Open profile. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Big old white beard and grey mustache. And a belly to match.

Finger, the Remaining Hermit Crab

2005-02-06T20:18:00.000-08:00

I think he is dead. His yellow striped shell has remained in the middle of the tank/cage for days. I filled the drying sponge yesterday.

This cannot happen. The challenge is that my youngest is so smart that if I replace that tiny little bony crab thing, he may actually notice a difference in skin color or movement.

Married is Clearly Running Scared

2005-02-06T20:12:00.000-08:00

FROM HIM: LATEST POSTS FIRST:

how will I know who you are or what you look like since you have not
disclosed that or sent a picture.

yep. catch me if you can?

yes, you?

are you going to the conference this year?

Dreamweaver

2005-02-06T19:28:00.000-08:00

Said he'd call this weekend and he didn't. Funny I can hardly keep track of them all but when they don't do somethiny they say they will, I remember. Shall we argue which gender is worse about saying-they'll-do-something-and-not-following-through?

Mr. Married: Scared or Nutty? Stalker or Loopy?

2005-02-06T19:23:00.000-08:00

A build up to the Superbowl?
--

(PICTURES OF HIS DAUGHTER PLAYING SOCCER THAT HE SENT ME TO FOLLOW)

Eh Gad How Do You Really Say: "Nice To Know You, But..

2005-02-06T19:20:00.000-08:00

P.S. the Subject to EVERY ONE of this guy's emails is the day of the week.

Sent: Sunday, February 06, 2005 11:51 AM
Subject: Sunday

Coco
It was to meet you. Would you be interested in meeting for dinner some time?

P

Hi P.

It was nice meeting you too. I think that for now I need to refrain from most social activities to get a bunch of things in order, like this TV series I’m working on. The whole dating thing is a bit overwhelming for me and I’m not sure I’m really ready.

All the best

Coco

Town & Country Bridal Issue

2005-02-05T15:15:00.000-08:00

Is this month. The bride on the cover is clearly "older." Hey, I could be a bride again too!

Keeping Track of Dating Alias' -- Theirs Not Mine

2005-02-04T11:58:00.000-08:00

Let's see, I think it's time to build a spreadsheet:
Alias, Name, Location, Reminder, Which Site?

Dichotomy -- David -- MD -- Smart technologist
Dreamweaver -- Joel -- MD -- Cute Doc
Brillance -- John -- NJ -- Painter
MrContractor or Bubbaman -- Bubba -- Houston -- Texan
VirtualReality -- Paul -- NJ -- Doc
Screenwriter -- Steve -- NJ -- Married
JohnDoe -- John Doe -- CA -- Married Man #1
BPJNChips -- Bruce -- NY -- Met, not for me
Special1960 -- Rick -- Canada -- Cute pic, haven't sent him one

Therapy

2005-02-03T19:48:00.000-08:00

Good midwestern girl. Never heard of a shrink until I arrived on the shores of NYC. Avoided them for all my years until divorce. "They" forced me to suddenly see them all. I don't get it.

I just can't figure out the overall objective, goal, plan. Will I feel better (how could I feel better than I do?); will I have a life-changing revelation; will I commit to some freudian therapy and conduct a five-year analysis?

More Clothes and Black Tie What Am I Thinking

2005-02-03T19:16:00.000-08:00

"Sucked in" is my new most favorite expression. Tonight I was sucked into my favorite clothing store. The store inhaled and there I was in front of the counter with my Visa. Garry, yes 2 r's, is a damn good sales person. I was in and out in under 30 minutes and the bill was ridiculous.

Three poofy, cool skirts. Trendy, Carrie-Sex-In-The-City-Like and Cookie will love them because they show off my new legs. Garry tonight told me to kiss my trainer for him.

Leather fitted maroon jacket, white pants, blue sleeveless striped turtle, cocoa sling back shoes.

And then...the black halter top long slinky dress. The one I will own for the rest of my life. (Oh dear God...I used to say for xx years, and now I am saying for the "rest of my life." ) I will wear this to the Golden Globes in 2007 if not before. (Back story...to be revealed.)

It is beyond true. My entire, entire life has completely changed. Upside down, turned inside out, thrown out, cleaned out, newly found, nothing I once knew is real. My assistant of seven years moves back to the midwest tomorrow; my office building is being converted so we must move; I should sell home; my wardrobe has changed once again dramatically; on and on and on

and I embrace it all for the most part

Married Number Two

2005-02-02T14:58:00.000-08:00

aka Screenwriter wants to meet me. It feels a little like legal prostitution. Can I just tell him I am not free$?

NJ Painter Writes:

2005-02-01T19:15:00.000-08:00

"We never got together again...... Would you still like to and if
so...when are you available."

argh. "We never got together again." ? I can't even begin to dissect this gramatically.

The Crystal

2005-02-01T18:44:00.000-08:00

So my eldest child (7) is recovering from a terrible chest cold and goes to the office with me today. He finds a big crystal on my desk and starts analyzing it and taking notes. He writes: "It is chiney. It reflects. It is chiped." I'm so impressed. And then, out of the blue he says, "Can I go to South America with you and get more crystals?"

Molly

2005-02-01T18:21:00.000-08:00

is a stuffed animal -- I think a leopard or a cheatah -- that my friend, the writer, KKF, whose email to me is posted below -- gave me a long time ago. It was on a shelf in my office until my little one decided he needed Molly at home.

Molly lives on top of the toy kitchen and she always, always has her Jr. fire hat on. I have repaired Molly more than once and for this I feel proud. Tonight we sewed the hole in her back with three colors of thread: black, yellow and light blue.

And the little one -- age five -- says, "Mommy, we're doing this because Molly is important to me. She was once important to you, but now she is important to me."

Mommy, They Sell Junk

2005-02-01T18:19:00.000-08:00

Putting the kids to sleep tonight and a telemarketer calls. I hang up and the kids say, "That's what Daddy does. He hangs up on them." Then there is a 3-4 beat pause and the little one says "Mommy, they sell junk"

References for Dating

2005-02-01T14:42:00.000-08:00

I've begun asking "men who like coco" and old boyfriends if I can use them as a reference for blind dates. Curly says "absolutely."

If any of you are reading this and would like to contribute to my references, please post here!

Wedding Anniversary

2005-02-01T07:40:00.000-08:00

So I wonder who besides me is remembering that today would have been our eighth wedding anniversary.

According to Cookie, This is the NYC Dating Song

2005-01-31T14:37:00.000-08:00

Cookie writes: "it is THE song that got me through dating the metropolitan area. sexy as hell, beautiful, and sticks to your bones with a titch of yearning. i demand that you make it part of your get-in-on collection."

Haven't met anyone that fits this bill yet, so it's hard to sing along.

The one that is repeating in my head is "Harder to Breath" from Maroon 5.

JILL SCOTT LYRICS

"He Loves Me (Lyzel In E Flat)"

You love me especially different every time
You keep me on my feet happily excited
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me
You school me, give me some things to think about
Ignite me, you invite me, you co-write me, you love me, you like me
You incite me to chorus, ooh
Ooh...

You love me especially different every time
You keep me on my feet happily excited
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me
You school me, give me things to think about
Invite me, you ignite me, co-write me, you love me, you like me
Incite me to chorus
La, la, la...
Da, da, da...
Do, do, do...

You're different and special
You're different and special in every way imaginable
You love me from my hair follicles to my toenails
You got me feeling like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and new
Oh when you touch me I just can't control it
When you touch me, I just can't hold it
The emotion inside of me, I can feel it

Ah...

Mr. Married Sends Me More Photos

2005-01-31T14:34:00.000-08:00

of San Francisco while he was out and about yesterday. The conference that we both attend is coming up. It is probably very frustrating that he has no idea who I am. I have not responded to any of the most recent 50+ emails.

Silence and Art

2005-01-29T17:00:00.000-08:00

That title reminds me of Lily Tomlin's one woman show. She holds up Warhols Campbell Soup painting and says, "Soup Art. Art Soup. Soup Art. Art Soup."

Today I talked very little, just briefly at the Korean nail place. "You very positive person," my manicurist says. "Oh thank you." I reply.

The rest of the day: nothing. No dialogue. Only notes -- lots of notes -- taken in my head.

Until I get sucked into an art gallery in Soho and Lila, the artist from Alabama and I are suddenly soul sisters...and I'm buying pictures of happy little girl faces and hugging Lila and she's telling me about her cancer and how it's a miracle she's alive and then I'm buying more art from poor souls in Alabama. And I'm loving it and feeling good and anxious to hang it.

Saturday Night Split Screen

2005-01-29T16:57:00.000-08:00

I see me at home Saturday night meandering around, fixing this or that, cleaning aournd, moving things, always in motion. Split screen to my ex. Alone. Meandering around. Picking this thing up and moving that there. Settling into the couch to watch a movie. Me: watching the swirrel of traffic on Canal Street.

From My Dear Friend: One of the "Men Who Love Coco

2005-01-29T16:50:00.000-08:00

..I would post this as his post but it's really so lovely that I deemed it important enough to get a lead...

Coco --
I remember every bit of sitting by you on the bed in Chicago while you fell asleep, and staying there for hours afterward, beside you just so you wouldn't be alone -- it was a "Stuart" night as I recall... you had been crying and crying.
Most men are indeed chickenshit, and I made a decision many years ago that I would not be one of them.
I have better and richer memories of you sleeping (snoring softly, little baby snores) and me being "someone to watch over you" (play that song sometime soon -- it's about as true as any song ever written; then again, that's true of much of Gershwin) than all the men I know who pose by motorcycles, and chase "scores" and never will figure out, because they can't, what's wrong with their lives.
The last few years have deepened and darkened my writing in ways that may or may not be commercial, but which are starting to look pretty serious (and about time for that, too.) Just this evening I finished a draft of a novella which is the strangest and most (deliberately) distanced piece I've ever written. About people robbing other people of their lives. Of all things.
The blog and your comments about the IM-er (Gregg and I IM all the time) are just smashingly revelatory. I'm amused, though not really, by those who talk of being trapped in "passionless" marriages. Like that's supposed to appeal to someone as breathtaking and vibrant and stunning and, well, as YOU as you are? Chickenshits indeed.
.When are you pitching the show?
And now another big warm MWAH (my new favorite word) from this good desk where I'm trying to do good work,
KKF

Hermit Crabs Do Need Water, Mom.

2005-01-29T16:45:00.000-08:00

Eh gad, I have huge responsibilities when the kids aren't here. Yu-gi, one of the hermit crabs, died two weeks ago. I'm certain I didn't put enough water on the sponge over the week. He just crumbled and cracked. I knew something had happened when my little one screamed, "It's freaking me out. It's freaking me out!" A dead, dry hermit crab is a little creepy.

So yesterday morning I hear something. It's "Finger", the leftover hermit crab, running wildly around his home. Sure enough I reach in and the sponge is bone dry. Not two minutes after filling it, Finger and his shell are smack dab under the sponge.

And then, there are the fish...

"Mommy, please tell Maria (the Nanny of 5 yrs) she can't quit!"

2005-01-27T08:02:00.000-08:00

It's the fifth call of the morning and still before 8 am. All of them were my ex- with various to-dos etc. The children are at Daddy's this week. Then my seven yearold calls crying. "Mommy please tell Maria she can't quit."

Surreal. I must remember that theories of chaos and complexity are at work here. Divorce is not linear.

Those having the most difficulty with our divorce: the Nanny and the dog. The dog pees in the house repeatedly on each transition evening.

Just to Remind Me...

2005-01-26T19:57:00.000-08:00

I wake up almost every morning and mouth out "I am getting a divorce. I am divorcing. We're getting divorced. We are divorcing." I need the daily reminder. It is all completely surreal.

Imagine going from the acceptable norm one minute to diseased-don't-get-close-divorcee the next.

Tony Robbins and Marriage

2005-01-26T19:33:00.000-08:00

I am suddenly morally compelled to conduct marriage workshops for men. Here I am telling "screenwriter" who is married that he can contact me "when he is traveling" and that I understand he is married. Oh Catholic redemption, Coco!

I start to feel very much like a hooker.

Confirming the 30% Married Online Dating Stat

2005-01-26T19:07:00.000-08:00

Suffice to say..."Screenwriter2006" IM's me. I hate IM. But I give in. I talk myself into it and he's pretty speedy on his rhetoric. We're not but maybe four message exchanges in when he discloses he is in fact married and in a loveless marriage...i tell him he is part of the norm. The IM is starting to get a bit racey. This is fun.

Forgotten Lunch

2005-01-26T17:06:00.000-08:00

Pangs. When one of my kids leaves his lunch on the bus, before lunch time. I need and want to protect, cloth, feed...and I can't be there when the lunch is lost. Maybe he is the child who will grow up and never be stressed about losing things. Maybe I stress more than he does. I have never, ever lost an umbrella.

Jersey Called Today - Left VM

2005-01-26T17:04:00.000-08:00

Wow. I really thought he was gone.
Will need to wrestle with this one.

Pics with Girlfriends

2005-01-26T16:44:00.000-08:00

I PROMISED myself that this blog would not be about dating. And I haven't been voyeuring of late online. But boy is it so easy to just get sucked in. The search tools on Match are so poor that I have to go through hundreds of guys who fit my profile. But of course, most of them -- statistically -- are 39 yearold, who have been in "committed" relationships, who suddenly want to meet the wife-mother-sex-kitten they have ALWAYS dreamed about and do not want to meet anyone with children.

It's kind of sad actually. They are all quite handsome.

And I really don't know what to make of the photos with girlfriends. Ok, some are hugging daughters, sisters, mothers. But the girlfriends are obvious. Am I to compare myself to the long haired blonde resting her head on your shoulder? Or am I do imagine the long haired blonde whose head is cut out of the photo but whose blonde hair still lives on your shoulder in your photo....

Online Dating is Mainstream

2005-01-26T16:42:00.000-08:00

I just came across the first posting of a picture of a guy with a yellow hard hat and suspenders on, sitting high up on a building construction site.

And, then there is the "fireman and investor." Huh? Wealthy guy from investments deciding to give back to the community?

I Need to Repeat That

2005-01-21T20:16:00.000-08:00

How Was/IS Prison?

You don't hear that anywhere (in this eschelon and class) save for NYC or other big cities in the way in which it is portrayed.

How Was Prison???

2005-01-21T20:03:00.000-08:00

Run into a couple downtown tonight over dinner who have children the same age. A year or so ago Spitzer sent him to prison. He is obviously out of prison. She goes to the bathroom and I am left with a slightly hyper and very wire-y man and in the silence, I think, do I say "gee how was prison?" Instead I say, "so what have you been doing lately? I can't remember."

"Uh, I've been unemployed" he says. And then following that he says, "oh I've been investing in real estate."

I do know that life for me could be much different and perhaps, much worse. They say smarter women stay in a bad marriage longer. All of this and that is surreal.

The Soundtrack...in this order

2005-01-19T14:46:00.000-08:00

Avril: So Much For My Happy Ending
Sheryl: Everyday is a Winding Road...I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Gem: It's Just a Ride, it's just a ride, no need to run, no need to hide.
Seal: I've Been Waiting For You

"Curly" Checks In

2005-01-19T14:07:00.000-08:00

Sends me a new year greeting...one of those Dalai-Lama-if-you-don't-forward-it-you-will-have-bad-luck-for-life emails.

Hey...hope the holidays were bearable...I'm sure it wasn't genius ...just wishing you a better year!!!! Happy New Year..

I met Curly the first night at the hotel. All I wanted was for someone to tell me that I was beautiful and sexy. He did.

Honestly Dr. Neil,

2005-01-19T11:58:00.000-08:00

Do you really, really think that "Joey" from "Bay Shore" is a match for me?

Divorce Trivia

2005-01-19T11:40:00.000-08:00

Court costs for a divorce in NYC: $386

Easiest way to a fast divorce: constructive abandonment of marital relations

New Math for Divorcees

2005-01-18T19:35:00.000-08:00

Two 48 yearolds-never-been-married-and-i-am-neither-arm-candy-or-famous

Two 66 yearolds-too-old-what-was-i-thinking-the-first-time-and-also-the-second-time

One 50 yearold hopelessly searching....

Re-Heated TV Dinners

2005-01-18T19:29:00.000-08:00

Visiting with my brothers...and talking divorce. I brought our family to the national average: 50%+ divorced. My parents fully accepted this potential many years ago.

So my Mother, as my brothers tell me, would never, ever quiz about the potential of "making it work one day," because "one can never re-heat a TV dinner."

My mother is a Gracie Allen.

"You can't reheat a TV dinner"

I Think I Agree

2005-01-18T13:51:00.000-08:00

After some frustrating years, dating goes back offline
Thursday, January 6, 2005

By Alex Williams

The New York Times

Online dating once seemed the perfect option for Allison Gold, a stock trader in Manhattan. It was a vast, exhilarating marketplace, humming along with the efficiency and unlimited opportunity of the financial markets of Wall Street, where she makes her living.

Gold - lithe, outgoing, athletic, blond - seemed to have plenty to sell. And judging by the profiles of men on Match.com, the buy side had no shortages either. If she wanted a guy with green eyes - and she sort of did - she could type that requirement right into the search field alongside the desired height, income and ZIP code.

"At first, you're like a kid in a candy store," said Gold, who is 46. Hundreds of men answered her ad, and they all seemed great. "They're perfect," she said, referring to the way men portrayed themselves in their profiles. "They're all like the guys from Ocean's Eleven."

Status: MARRIED

2005-01-18T10:43:00.000-08:00

I have subscribed to so many online dating sites (no, I haven't tried Suicide Girls and nor do I intend to) that I can't remember usernames and passwords for all of them.

However, I'm averaging a handful of match-up emails per hour. I'd like to formally confirm here my friend's study that said 30% of all online daters are married.

Status: MARRIED
Status: MARRIED

For some wierd reason, I quickly close the email. I don't want to know more.

My Moniker

2005-01-17T19:58:00.000-08:00

on online dating sites is "NYCReal" - I thought I said that before. But mum is the word for now...

Motorcycles and Cars

2005-01-17T18:43:00.000-08:00

Ok guys, listen up. If you are reading this, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, post a picture of you on your motorcycle or in your car on ANY dating site. No matter how racey or wild (from www.elitemate.com to www.suicidegirls.com) the site is, resist!

Maybe that isn't fair. Perhaps a lot of young women are impressed by Harleys and red Corvettes.

But please, a Jaguar sedan is just a FORD. Standing in front of your maroon colored Jag is like standing in front of your maroon colored Taurus.

I know I don't sound like it, but I am a nice person, really.

Rejection

2005-01-17T18:33:00.000-08:00

My grandfather was an industrialist who was instrumental in the railroad and the subsequent transition to air travel.

So at an early age, I would run business ideas past him. When I was 12 and babysitting, I felt the need to raise my rates and wrote Grandfather this letter for his editing and approval.

"Dear Babysitting Customer,
Due to the ever-spiraling cost of living, I feel that I am forced to raise my rates from $.50 an hour to $1.25 an hour. If I do not ever hear from you again, I will understand."

Online dating has the same feeling. "Here is my picture. I fully accept that you may never email me again. (WOWOWOWOW that hurts...) So be it. Have a nice life" I'll get over it.

Alvy's Final Monologue in Annie Hall

2005-01-17T16:20:00.000-08:00

I'm stuck on this and have been ever since the movie came out. Read this one many times over many years.

ALVY'S VOICE OVER After that it got pretty late. And we both hadda go, but it was great seeing Annie again, right? I realized what a terrific person she was and-and how much fun it was just knowing her and I-I thought of that old joke, you know, this-this-this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well why don't you turn him in?" And the says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and...but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

THE END

No Kidding

2005-01-17T13:31:00.000-08:00

Hey anyone listening, I may lie about my age, but other than changing names to protect people, this is all very real.

Mr. Married sends this photo with the caption:

"Dad you said what? You are kidding me!"

2005-01-17T13:29:00.000-08:00

Mr. Married Sends This

Divorced Women are the Happiest

2005-01-17T13:12:00.000-08:00

of either gender and situation. It goes something like:
Divorced Women (happiest)
Single Men
Single Women
Divorced Men
Married Men
Married Women (unhappiest)

It was a study. I haven't found it yet.

JDate: Jacob Responds from Israel Re: Religion

2005-01-17T11:58:00.000-08:00

What a fascinating and surprising - especially as I sit here at an
unfamiliar (Hebrew) keyboard in Jerusalem surrounded by the most intense of
Jewish experiences, where even the air is suffused with the spiritual
mother's milk that nourishes much of my soul.

I have much personal history in this place including two wars and an
undergraduate education, a bouquet of friendships going back three
decades, and lovers past whose ghosts will always be part of the fabric of my
being.

Converting to cultural Judaism should be easy for a lapsed Catholic --
guilt should come naturally, and there are harder things to learn to
swallow than gefilte fish. Indeed the very grandmother of Jewish royalty
(Ruth) was not only a convert, but a convert from a nation that was
inimical to Jews. (I'm not suggesting that you consider joining the tribe
- merely responding to you email.)

I will not lie - especially not to a woman who is both forthright and
gullible. My Jewishness is bedrock (esp as I am Holocaust 2nd
generation.) Having said this, I still very much want ot get to know you. I
will send a photo as as soon as I get back to NY and have my normal
Macintosh to work from (This PC is horrifying.) And if you pre-empt me with
a picture of your own, so much the better.

Typical Email Inbox Folders

2005-01-17T11:54:00.000-08:00

for a divorced woman in Manhattan and here is mine:

Associations/Charities
Au Pairs
Dating
Divorce
eBay Purchases
Furniture to Buy
Investments
School Information
Summer Rentals

Told My First JDate Candidate...

2005-01-17T08:22:00.000-08:00

that I was raised Catholic. Stay tuned for his response.

Passion on JDate

2005-01-16T14:30:00.000-08:00

Wow. Read this.

Dear Real,

I enjoyed your profile,-- utterly lacking in guile or superfluous nonsense. Besides I like a woman who doesn't feel the need to to be embalmed before showing her face in public.

Springfield, NJ; Staten Island, White Plains

2005-01-16T14:28:00.000-08:00

Eharmony's matches of the day.

Children

2005-01-14T18:49:00.000-08:00

I have missed them greatly this week. The older one is asleep in my bed and the younger in the guest bed. No one is in their own bunk beds. I truly look forward to the little one walking in in the middle of the night and demanding "move over" and crawling in only to form an oreo cookie with mommy in the middle. I miss the smells: the smell coming from his mouth as he beathes in and out.

A Thought - Women and Toys

2005-01-14T15:08:00.000-08:00

I wonder what percentage of women with children and vibrators actually steal batteries from their kids' toys when they need to replace one in their vibrator and don't have one in the cupboard?

Auto-Response from eHarmony

2005-01-14T14:57:00.000-08:00

This is only one-third of the email. I appreciate what they are trying to convey, but honestly sometimes it is hard to get past white facial hair, BO, bad acne, and red corvettes.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I understand your concerns about how physical appearance is used in the
matching system, and am happy to provide some clarification.

We do use physical appearance as a factor in our matching process, but
our goal is to balance that characteristic with the other 29 dimensions
that determine long-term compatibility with your matches. We know that
physical attraction is important, but our studies have shown it to be
less important in the long run than characteristics such as
intelligence, conflict resolution and energy level.

We want to encourage you to get to know each and every match with an
open mind. How a person perceives physical beauty can vary dramatically,
based on the inner connection that has occurred between them. After
getting to know a person, his or her inner beauty will often make the
outer beauty shine all the more radiantly.

"Smiley" Sends Gifts

2005-01-14T14:32:00.000-08:00

John, aka Smiley, sent me gifts for my sons: two books, signed by the author, all about heroes.

My final night in a hotel, after three months of moving in and out of the apartment, I meet Smiley. I'm sitting at the last corner seat in the bar having my usual -- arugula salad with toasted pine nuts -- and chating with the bartenders who now know the full back story.

Ten men walk in as a group. The least attractive starts talking to me. Jersey shore buddies having a night out. Every single response out of John's mouth is "Cool." No, say that with a simultaneous gulp. "Gooel." He says he wants to see my room. I said, "John that's a line I use on guys and I have no intention of using it on you."

You'd think that would have stopped him completely. Odd, he has enough self confidence to weather this. So finally, I let him see my room. He sits down on the couch and gets comfy. I am laughing.

"John, the last person I want to be with on this earth plane is a married-with-four-children hedge fund manager from greenwich. Out!" I stood there like a Judy-Dench-Wannabe and dramatically lifted my arm high and pointed to the door. He laughed. We all laughed. He left.

"Cause Your Fun"

2005-01-14T14:15:00.000-08:00

I can't get over the last email from NJ Painter. He cancelled our date this week because of something about his dad. He suggested early next week but I have the kids next week, so I wrote back about the following week.

He responds:

The following is good....Glad we can still connect cause your a lot of fun...

Cause? Even 'cuz or 'cause would be better.

Your. Your. You are. You are.

JDate Registration

2005-01-14T14:13:00.000-08:00

Was a big, big mistake. I'm getting 10 emails an hour. Obviously if the guy is looking for a religious Jew it's easy. I write back and say I was raised Catholic so we're not a match. But Jewish men are so, so persistant.

I Think I Scared "Nice Pair of Khakis"

2005-01-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

aka NJ Painter.
I think it was when he quite poignantly said,

"So, what is it you're looking for?"

It just came out of my mouth,

"Nothing really. I just want to have a lot of sex."

"Uh, uh, uh, uh. Wow that's really great you can be so honest."

Customer Service

2005-01-14T14:05:00.000-08:00

Dear eHarmony,
Is there something I can change in my profile to exclude men with white facial hair? Of the six matches you've sent me, four of them have white beards and/or mustaches.

Thank you for your assistance.

eHarmony Thinks They've Figured Me Out

2005-01-12T08:19:00.000-08:00

Oh Dr. Neil. I know you say we should keep an open mind. I'm trying. Thank you for the five new potential matches today. What was it in my profile that caused your system to find five men, all who live outside of NYC, all with white facial hair and with names like Francis?

The only Francis I have ever known was Francis Albin from grade school. He was a red-headed Irish Catholic with an evil streak. I remember him picking his nose -- regularly -- and cueing it up on the top of his desk and shooting a wad across the room. Francis then would look at all the girls with a very grinch-like, stretchy-face grin.

And Tonight

2005-01-12T08:17:00.000-08:00

Didn't meet Mr. Married. Had a sudden fear that he might harm me because of my knowledge. And actually, he's sent me almost 50 emails in one week which classifies him as an oddball.

Mr. Married Wants to Meet Tonight

2005-01-10T07:33:00.000-08:00

He still doesn't know who I am. It could be good for business. He's emailed me twice. I told him I needed to play it by ear. I'll do a bit more research on him.

Don't Discredit Good Kissie Face

2005-01-10T05:54:00.001-08:00

According to Cookie, my 29 yearold trainer (yes, it is a nickname and no, she isn't a dingy blonde. More on her later) one should not discount good kissie face. Having dated half the Jewish population of NYC, she claims that there are a lot of bad kissers out there. Sloppy, drooly, smelly.

eHarmony

2005-01-09T19:54:00.000-08:00

I finally give into the ad campaign. I sign up. I spend $99. Not only that, it takes at least 30 minutes if not more to do grandpa Dr. Neil's intense profile.

And then, after all of that and "six million members" of eHarmony, they can't find any matches for me. Zero.

Cheating Housewives

2005-01-09T15:57:00.000-08:00

As I tell my friend Marty how I have lost all faith in the institution of marriage (did I mention that I sort of feel better that Brad and Jennifer are divorcing?) he tells me how distressed he is about cheating housewives. It seems to be a current spam: multiple emails a day letting you know which housewife is available when. I laughed with my assistant yesterday over this: ok, kids are at karate for two hours, sign me up!

Am pissed that Marty thinks it's ok for men to cheat but not "stay at home" housewives. I tell him about the gender-bender clause in a separation agreement. I must fully acknowledge for my ex to have custody of the kids 50% of the time is a huge commitment and that I commend and respect his ability to make such a sacrifice. There is no similar statement for me, the woman, mother, wife.

Neighborhoods

2005-01-09T15:53:00.000-08:00

Today I think about what would happen if I met someone who didn't live downtown. I've lived in my neighborhood for 25 years. What if he insisted I move uptown? I honestly could not do it. It would be like moving from New York to London. I must remember to narrow all of my online dating searches to less than one mile away. This whole thing is a lot of work.

Maybe I Don't Really Want to Be Single

2005-01-09T15:34:00.000-08:00

I have lunch with my friend Marty today. He's been so busy dating -- now troubled by courting four at the same time -- that I haven't seen him in months. Marty is older than I am and has been married twice: the long marriage to the high school sweetheart and business partner and the second to a woman half his age. He wants to tell me what he's learned. First of all he says, never ever ask a man/date what he did last night.

After coaching me and commenting on things I must do, he launches into an education on standard sex toys and at this point, I'm saying "you've got to be kidding me?" every few minutes. The remote control vibrator really throws me for a loop. I think I'm in shock. He insists we go to the store on 7th Avenue and buy one or some of these. Instead, I drag him to Jacque Torres new factory/store for chocolate.

Mr. Married Keeps Emailing Me

2005-01-09T15:33:00.000-08:00

Even sent me pictures from his kid's soccer game today. I don't get it. He has absolutely no idea who I am but he knows I'm in the same industry.

Let's Just Call It A Nice Pair of Khakis

2005-01-08T20:54:00.000-08:00

Not bad at all. Perfect for the occassion. Exactly what it should have been and was.

Oh dear god if I ever get serious with this guy, all of this is erased in a nanosecond.

Pock marks. Did I say that in the "no prob" category. Ok, no problem.

Good kissie face: yes, very good. Okay, better than good.

Smell: some cologne going on but really subtle and still can't figure out what

But not the guy I want to wake up next to in the morning. At least for now.

But no denying that it was fun. And yes, again surreal to be a dating woman....again

Time to Buy a Princess Phone?

2005-01-08T13:44:00.000-08:00

Add rule number three: Old fashioned teenager. (Modern day would be constant SMSing) Can these guys talk. It's Saturday and I've had more phone conversations in terms of time than I have all week at the office. Given my last post I need not comment further on the quality of the conversation.

Folding Laundry

2005-01-08T13:21:00.000-08:00

He just called to get directions and ask how to fold those stringy underwear things that his 20 year-old just brought home from college.

Two in One: Mom and Dater

2005-01-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

Handling two completely different roles -- actually more than that -- is very interesting. I'm not sure what integration looks like, if at all. This weekend I feel like I'm 25 again running all over the city, shopping, doing whatever I feel like doing and tonight I'm going on a blind date. Flirting, seducing, smiling and selling.

Then there is the Mom side. Stressed-out, picking up, barking orders: five more minutes, did you register that?, don't spill the grape juice on Mommy's new couch, did you hear me? I said did you hear me!! Running, screaming, loving and bribing.

I am both Mom and Dater in my work.

"Ya"

2005-01-08T03:02:00.000-08:00

Last night I wrote NJ Painter and changed the location to meet up.

I just read his response.

Hey/////great!

Call ya in the AM.................

"Ya" yes "Ya"

Just write the whole thing off now. Enjoy the moment. Make it an experience. Role play. Be a Jersey princess for just one night.

What's the Worst Thing That Could Happen?

2005-01-08T02:55:00.000-08:00

Smells. Really. Some stinky European cologne. I can take not so attractive looks, big nose, a little chunky around the waste, even pock marks. But smells are real time and impossible to mentally erase. Not that I don't have one or two memories about good smells, sophisticated cologne to compliment the cuff links and Hermes tie. I can just feel it. He will be wearing something stinky. He's playing squash before we meet. Even the smell of cheap shampoo from the gym makes me gag.

Married Men Statistic

2005-01-08T02:52:00.000-08:00

I have drinks last night with a dear friend. He's part of the group I used to call "Men who Love Coco." I have a lot of "brothers" in my life. Lots. And I love them all. More men friends than women friends.

One of the companies he oversees is in the survey-data-research space. Thirty percent (yes 30%) of ALL online dating participants are married.

It's 5:00am

2005-01-08T02:43:00.000-08:00

And I am WIDE awake. I am going out tonight with a complete stranger. What am I thinking? No one has vetted him. We haven't even talked enough to get to the point of a common acquaintance. It's okay. You are just meeting him for a drink. You don't have to go to dinner. You don't have to invite him over.

Amber Frey. Her best friend introduced her to Scott Peterson. He was vetted.

I am physically strong. I think I know how to defend myself.

Back to sleep. Maybe. The rain trickling on my roof sounds like a Japanese rock/water garden which should be relaxing. It is completely annoying right now.